2016 Power Rankings-Week 13
Introduction After a tumultuous week 12 we have some playoff clarity. Despite all the drama this season there is not a whole lot to play for in week 13, at least not for much other than seeding. Shotti and Garoppoblow Me have clinched byes but the one seed is still up for grabs. 3-6 seeding is up in the air as well, with Jar Jar Stinks the only playoff team currently at risk of dropping to 7th place. Paddock 9, MVP, and RIP clinch playoff spots this week and will now try to claw their way to the three seed. Dee is the only team still realistically alive of the four non-playoff teams, with Papa’s poor performance in week 12 rendering a 6th place finish nearly impossible. So for now, we answer the question posed in week one: No, this is not the year the 2011 champion takes his Posse back to the Promised Land and reclaims his throne. Seven teams remain. There can be only one. Yesterday I drove 16 straight hours. Things got pretty rough. I started drinking my own urine and at one point I had to amputate my arm. Wait, that might have just been the book on tape I was listening to. Things are a blur. I'm in a fog. Let's do this. Best Day EVER! Okay this is just dumb now. GBM has now faced the worst game for a team in 42% of his matchups while not facing anyone's best game. Trade Tracker Trade tracker is keeping us apprised of the ramifications of the trade between Paddock 9 and MMMS. In the first and third columns, the points scored by traded players in starting lineups (if they are benched, those points are not tallied). Per player average took the total points and divided by the total number of starts so far. For example, P9 has started Denver D four times and Landry thrice, so seven starts total. MMMS has gotten eleven starts out of the four acquired players. Points Per Week Stat Notes * Reign Maker becomes the first team to reach 19,000 combined points scored. * Garoppoblow Me becomes the fourth team to reach 18,000 combined points scored. * The Shotti Bunch becomes the seventh. team to reach 17,000 combined points scored. Paddock 9 becomes the eighth. * Papa’s Posse becomes the first team to reach 16,000 points against. * RIP becomes the second team to reach 16,000 regular season points scored. Ma ma momma said becomes the third. Peeled Eggplant becomes the fourth. * Paddock 9 becomes the 6th team to reach 15,000 regular season points scored. * Papa’s Posse becomes the 2nd team to fifty combined losses. * Fire Goodell becomes the 5th team to 40 regular season wins. * Paddock 9 becomes the 8th team to 30 combined wins. He is the slowest ever to hit the mark. The Mirror League Lady and gentlemen: there has been an awakening. And now as the hour of reckoning approaches, I think it is time you knew the whole truth. Patrick told me on Saturday night that he had a vision Dion Lewis would beat his projection, so he started him on Sunday. I had hoped this was a vision sent by the Fantasy Gods to sabotage Pat. After all, Patrick has verbally denounced the Fantasy Gods and declared war on their supreme power. But with Lewis beating his projection, it seems now that the unthinkable has happened. Yes, I have not been completely honest with you all. While it is true the Fantasy Gods are the all powerful beings of this world, and this league...there is in fact, another world. Another league. This is the Dark Universe. The Mirror League. It exists in a realm close to ours and divided only by a layer of film as thin as Nate’s skin. In the Mirror League, unimaginable horrors take place. Picture a league in which Patrick has won two championships and Shotti has only made the playoffs once. A reality where Nate compliments other teams and is humble in defeat. A place where Papa’s Posse finishes 7-6 instead of 6-7. Where Chantel has no Saints players. Where GBM doesn’t spend tireless hours doing the power rankings every week. This is the Mirror League in the Dark Universe, where the Jets have a dynasty spanning two decades and four Lombardi trophies, where Rex Ryan coaches the Patriots, where the Browns have snuck in a win or two. The Mirror League is lorded over by the Many-Sacked Gods, the Destroyers of ACL’s, The Unnameables. Some even believe that this realm is ruled by Goddesses, a group of women bent on ruining all the fun for everyone. Where our Gods are merciful and just, the mysterious forces of the Mirror League are evil and wish only for anarchy, full IR spots, and the success of undeserving managers. The fact is, I believe that Patrick has found a way to tap into this Dark Energy and is drawing fantasy power from it. How else can we explain his win streak and upcoming playoff appearance? Winning a game by scoring 176 points? Fuck outta here. If Paddock 9 is getting visions from the Mirror League, the league in which he has impossibly succeeded numerous times, this could spell disaster for our world. I’m not sure whose side you’re on, but we have to defend the wall at all costs. A revolution could be upon us. The threat to the stability of the league and to the power of the Fantasy Gods is a threat to us all. Power Rankings 1(1). Garoppoblow Me Magic Number - CLINCHED Clinching Scenario - NONE Bench Points - 96.44 TPS - 321.66 APT - 4-3 GOT - 10 PUTenP - 2 POTweP - 6 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 2 GBM now has seven wins or more against three teams: Papa’s Posse, Paddock 9, and RIPDab. The biggest problem GBM had this week was with their kicker. Turns out if you pick up a kicker playing on Monday night and drop the other kicker playing on Monday night the swap still does not take effect until the following day. Something to keep in mind if you have a questionable player on Monday night. Otherwise, just another day at the office for the first place commissioner. Over 200 in seven straight games, second only to Shotti. For once, GBM made the right choice at both defense and QB. GBM had never reached nine wins and a win this week would give them their first double digit win season in history. GBM can still fall to the two-seed but with nine wins they do not play a truly meaningful game again until week 15. The health of Jordan Matthews is a mild concern, and the loss of Gronk is a much larger and more ominous concern. The team has played the majority of games without him, but there is no getting around it: this loss places championship hopes in serious doubt. ---- 2(3). The Shotti Bunch Magic Number - CLINCHED Clinching Scenario - NONE Bench Points - 28.53 TPS - 285.26 APT - 4-3 GOT - 12 PUTenP - 0 POTweP - 5 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 3 What a way to stage a comeback and reassert dominance in the league. Hill pulled a Gale Sayers and scored a rushing TD, receiving TD, and kick return TD to bring Shotti back from the dead and overthrow Jar Jar Stinks on Sunday night. Some may say Hill beat Jar Jar worse than he beat his pregnant wife. Some may. I wouldn’t say that, because it’s inappropriate. With the bye Shotti has guaranteed himself a top four finish for the fifth straight season. Shotti now has at least one win against every team they have ever played, including the now defunct teams. With the Bengals season done, will AJ Green be deactivated for the remainder of the season to preserve his health for 2017? Clearly this team can still put up points without him. ---- 3(2). RIPDab Magic Number - CLINCHED Clinching Scenario - NONE Bench Points - 35.16 TPS - 266.65 APT - 2-3 GOT - 7 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 6 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 4 Here lies the Even Year Curse 2012-2016. RIP had never won three straight games in an even year and they have done it twice this year to clinch their first winning season on an even year in franchise history. Dab has preyed on the bad teams, going 5-2 against teams under .500. To say that Dab is a “pretender” and not a contender does not give enough credit to the high ceiling of this team, but the floor is pretty much in the Earth’s core. What team shows up in week fourteen when the real action starts? Will this be the year Dab gets past the semifinals? They are a combined 1-3 in the playoffs against Shotti Bunch and Garoppoblow Me. ---- 4(6). Jar Jar Stinks Magic Number - 1 Clinching Scenario - Win or losses by Deez Sons of Bitchez or be outscored by Deez Sons of Bitchez by LESS THAN 109.93 points. Bench Points - 22.13 TPS - 256.49 APT - 2-5 GOT - 8 PUTenP - 1 POTweP - 5 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 8 Despite scoring enough to beat eight other teams, Jar Jar had the misfortune of playing a very angry Shotti Bunch squad with a lot to prove and nothing to lose. Jar Jar had an absolutely incredible day. With Luck out, Rivers proved a worthy replacement. Evans torched the Seahawks defense to the tune of 37.80 FP, and not to be outdone Beckham Jr. scored 38.10 against the Browns. One more regular season win will put them at 13-13, smack dab on the Groot Line after two seasons. Jar Jar now has lost to every team in the league except for one: their week 13 opponent RIPDab. ---- 5(5). Paddock 9 Magic Number - CLINCHED Clinching Scenario - NONE Bench Points - 76.38 TPS - 253.36 APT - 5-3 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 4 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 10 Maybe trying to mask the Dark Power he was channeling, P9 started Ebron on Thanksgiving, who scored 0 points. But like a small dicked man driving a Hummer, Paddock 9 was able to overcompensate with Aaron Rodgers. A-Rod has gone over 40 FP in six straight games and seems to be in full on “fuck you” mode. Julio Jones, meanwhile, could not find any space against Arizona and has two straight top ten defenses in weeks 13 and 14 (KC and LA). By beating MVP they benefited two teams: themselves and The Shotti Bunch. Good for them, bad for the rest of us. This is their first winning season since 2012 and will be their second playoff appearance. In 2012 they went in as the four seed and got upset by the 5. Anybody remember who that 5 seed was? Oh...oh shit...that’s Blow Me’s music! ---- 6(4). HELLEVATOR MVP Magic Number - CLINCHED Clinching Scenario - NONE Bench Points - 89.15 TPS - 244.54 APT - 2-4 GOT - 8 PUTenP - 5 POTweP - 2 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 7 Does backing into a playoff spot certify MVP “back?” While most other teams were lighting it up with over-200 point performances, MVP was snuffing it out with a sub 160 for the first time this season. MVP found themselves in a pretty awkward situation on Monday when their only hope of victory rested in the hands of Cobb, who was being thrown to by Paddock 9’s QB. Their best case scenario was that Rodgers would be knocked out of the game, which almost seemed to happen mid-game. Rodgers disappeared into some sort of hut that magically appeared on the sidelines. But he returned from the game and put MVP in a body bag. MVP left his highest scoring WR and QB on his bench and started a guy who scored 0 points. But nevertheless, he’ll be stepping onto the field on the quarter finals a week from Thursday. ---- 7(8). Deez Sons of Bitchez Elimination Number - 1 Clinching Scenario - Win and Jar Jar loss and outscore Jar Jar by 108.94 points. Bench Points - 143.58 TPS - 364.58 APT - 2-6 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 2 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 6 Dee has clinched their fourth straight losing season. Another year, another disappointing finish for the team that has started off hot two Septembers in a row. It truly was one of the worst five minutes of Deez football life on Sunday. In a span of two or three plays, the Patriots took the lead against the Jets and Michael Crabtree completed the come-from-behind victory for RIPDab while her bench went OFF in a way that no bench has ever gone off before. Any normal human would probably go on a murder spree right then and there. In the ultimate poetic justice, their only hope now lies with RIPDab. Sort of a lose/lose situation for Nate, which is the best kind of situation for the rest of us. Dee has surpassed her points against total with a game still to be played. ---- 8(7). Papa’s Posse Elimination Number - 1 Clinching Scenario - Win and Dee loss and Jar Jar loss and outscore Jar Jar by 163.01 OR win and outscore Dee by 54.08 and Jar Jar loss and outscore Jar Jar by 163.01. Bench Points - 81.81 TPS - 213.58 APT - 3-6 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 4 POTweP - 1 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 5 When Papa started the season 3-0 it seemed like this would be the year it didn’t come down to the last two weeks for this team. After all, if we assume seven is an automatic in and PP started 3-0, they could go 4-6 and still be hypothetically sitting in a 2 seed right now. But 2-7 does not cut it. This season, neither will 3-7. It saddens me to have eliminated my own flesh and blood, but really this team eliminated itself. Four players under ten and only one over twenty with 80 points left on the bench, including 17.4 from Watkins in the IR spot. They have a matchup with the other former champ that is down and out, ma ma momma said, in week 13. ---- 9(9). Peeled Eggplant Bench Points - 11.43 TPS - 273.50 APT - 2-5 GOT - 7 PUTenP - 2 POTweP - 6 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 9 Hey, a win is a win. And this was a big win. Peeled outscored every team in the league and locked momma in as the ten seed while six of their 11 players went over 20 points and four went over 30. If they had played literally any other team this week, the win could have had some big time significance. And oddly enough Peeled is once again playing a non-playoff team. In fact, the 7-10 teams are playing each other this week, so none of them can have any effect on the 6 playoff teams. This is the first win for Peeled since the last time they beat ma ma momma said way back on October 17. Peeled can end any hope of Dee making playoffs by beating her in week 13 and finishing at 5-8 for the second straight year, a satisfying conclusion to another lackluster season. ---- 10(10). Ma ma momma said Bench Points - 55.48 TPS - 268.19 APT - 2-7 GOT - 5 PUTenP - 2 POTweP - 5 2015 Week 13 Ranking - 1 Momma gets over 200 for just the second time since week four and still gets trounced by Peeled Eggplant. Momma is a true ten, a team that is so down on their luck that even when they put together good games they still cannot pull a win. In 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015 this team had a combined 16 losses. In 2011 and 2016 they combined for twenty. Momma definitely wins the mannequin challenge. His team hasn’t moved from last place in almost two months. Theme of the Week-Champions Week Before you become a champion you will have to beat a champion. This week the two eliminated champions and the two remaining champions square off. 2011 champ Papa's Posse and 2012 champ ma ma momma said have seen better days. A win to cap off the regular season for Papa somewhat legitimizes their year (6-7), whereas a win for momma does very little (3-10). Meanwhile, the 2013/2015 champ The Shotti Bunch squares off against 2014 champ MVP. MVP had a chance at the two seed if they had only pulled off a victory against Paddock 9 but they could not seal the deal. Now they are simply fighting for a shot at third. Shotti, meanwhile, can still get the one seed with a win and a GBM loss. Speaking of GBM, they will face Paddock 9. P9 is consided by many to be the consolation king. he has been a force in the consolation bracket for years, the loser's champion. GBM has finished as high as runner-up (2012), and will look for his first 1-seed finish by winning. Peeled Eggplant and Dee will face off in a mostly meaningless game, but if Dee wins it makes the race for 6 mildly interesting, like the fourth hour of Lawrence of Arabia. Jar Jar, meanwhile, is in a much more important game with RIPDab. Their game will determine a lot of playoff seeding questions. MATCHUP OF THE WEEK-The Fantasy Gods vs. The Darkness How can I pick a matchup of the week when the darkness grows before us? As we set our lineups, hell, as I write this sentence, the dark universe leaks into our own. Already it is creating pandemonium. First round picks are dropping like flies. Teams that are not meant to be in the playoffs are fighting for the three seed. There are riots in the streets. The Dolphins are on a massive win streak. The Fantasy Gods are fighting for sanity, for stability, for the dominion they have helped create. And they need our help. Vanquish this man who calls himself holy but worships the evil forces of the Mirror League. Bring me the bloodied dead body of Paddock 9's season and you shall be greatly rewarded. Pledge your allegiance to the true Gods, or show yourself to be a traitor like Patrick so we may see the evil we are fighting, and prepare to rue the day you crossed the powerful beings that lord over us all.